Friday
Feb052010
life lessons suck
Friday, February 5, 2010 at 11:49AM I could see the pain on his face when I looked over at him. It wasn’t the look of physical pain, worse, it was emotional pain, heartache. I am so much better at dealing with the bumps and bruises. I can wield a tube of Neosporin and apply a Spongebob band-aid with the best of them. It’s the emotional CPR that makes me get all weak and causes feelings of inadequacy.
The problem with helping your children deal with a broken heart is that your own heart is so inextricably tethered to theirs that you have no capacity to offer objective advice- at least this is my struggle.
I tried to refrain from freaking out and saying loudly and proudly “that hat is perfect, you should be wearing it!” which would have made matters worse. So, I said “son, please get your hat out of the garbage can.” He obediently took what had to feel like a 2 mile walk over to that over sized black barrel that sat in the midst of the school yard. He quickly extracted the hat and returned holding it as far away from him as his arm would allow. He wanted nothing to do with it. I thanked him, my heart breaking even more, my mind searching for what to say next – “son, you made this hat, from your own ideas, your own coloring, cutting and gluing, your hat does not look like any one’s, it is original, and I love it.” As I said this, I glanced around and realized that the other children were wearing silly hats that their parents had bought for the occasion. Now, I don’t fault parents for raiding the $1 bin at Target for silly hat day, we’re all busy, I just hate that in his mind and the minds of the other children, a store bought hat had some how diminished the value of his handiwork.
He made no verbal or non verbal response to my acknowledgement of what his hat meant to me. “Son, you do not have to wear this hat if you don’t want to, but because you made it, I’d like to wear it, is that ok?” as I placed it on my head, using my pony tail to hold it in place. I detected a slight upturn of one corner of his pouting lips as he nodded a ‘yes’. I hugged him, kissed him and reminded him how much I love him, and off he went, to line up with all of the other 1st graders.
I left the school grounds with a burning lump in my throat as I called my husband.
I shared the morning events with him, which caused him to move into his stealth, “I am man, here me roar and what I do best if fix things” mode. Before we hung up, he had located a silly hat for my boy. He dropped in at school, pulled our boy out of class to present the winning alternate, my boy was delighted, and all was well.
But was it really? Was this the right way to handle this? I continue to struggle with some questions that have played through my mind, afterall, I am a mother, self torture is what we do.
1. Should I have proudly pulled the hat from the garbage, placed it confidently atop his blond head and stated, “you made this, be proud of it and wear it.” Urging him to take pride in being different and to be proud of his handmade hat?
2. Did I communicate to him the need to conform? If you look different, then we will go out of our way to adjust the situation so that you look like everyone else?
3. Did I underscore a lesson that store bought is better? Killing creativity!
4. At what point do we as parents stand back and allow our children to suffer hurt feelings. After all, there are valuable lessons to be learned from coping with these painful growing experiences.
5. Were we selfish in wanting to ease our own suffering that we robbed our boy of an opportunity to learn and grow?
So I am asking you, what would you have done?
Reader Comments (12)
He knows you're there for him. You presented other options rather than let him "throw in the towel" -- (stand your ground, wear your hat, win 'em over). He's so young but he may reflect on a time when he himself laughed at another classmate, and in this memory of his own actions, find compassion & forgiveness for those who laughed at him.
#5 is so insightful. One of the biggest lessons for me in 'Otherhood was to stand on the sidelines and let the cookie crumble. (With a big bowl of ice cream for afterwards and all the mama goodness I could muster.) Ice cream just seems to go really well with crumbled cookies ;)
... and you didn't rob him of the lesson at hand. The laughs still hurt, he reacted in his own way, then you presented other options. It's all good. You're a beautiful mother. We're all learning, aren't we? I wish parents could have silly hat day ...
All is well.
Hey sweet friend- you may have caught my post in the midst of multiple edits, my goodness Squarespace is extra cranky today!
Thank you for your encouraging words, I hope it was the best thing- I tried more than anything to respect his feelings, but wow- painful- how am I going to get through my forever's with my children with my heart even somewhat intact.
Silly hat day would be fun, though most days for me are silly hair day, close enough :)
How's that sweet dog?
first of many times like these i'm afraid...i was taken to tears as i read this. Both you and your husband were correct..we see things differently as moms and dads ...it will change as your child grows older as well..i have no good answers except as a mom of 17/22 year old girls i understand the mothering feelings so well...blessings ...
Hi Elk, thank you for your kind words- hopefully my heart will grow some thicker skin? :)
Mothering is surely bittersweet.
these are the hard bits, arent they? the bittersweet moments of parenting. and its how you deal with them that give shape to the rest of the moments. i dont think any of us have the correct answers. as parents you know your child the best. hugs, kamana
I Kamana, thank you for your sweet thoughts, I think we just wing it and pray we are doing the right thing. I have been meaning to compliment your images, you have stepped up the pace on your pictures, they are just beautiful!
I almost cried for your little'guy when I read how crushed he was...but I absolutely LOVE that you wore the hat!! Showing him what 'fearless' looks like! I think you handled it beautifully. There was no sense in forcing him to wear it against his will, for a lesson that he wouldn't be able to grasp through his embarrassment. There will be plenty of other opportunities. It's a shame though, that more children didn't show up with their own creations. My daughter (3) LOVES crafts and would have had a blast making her own too :)
Your son is lucky to have such wonderful parents!!!
hey mom(: you are wonderful, I know Sam looks at you googley-eyed for guidance and all I can say is I wish I had seen you with that hat on! i love you.
Oh my it's so hard being a parent...knowing the right thing to say and knowing the right thing to do! I'm glad you got him to get it from the trash and glad to see that you wore it proudly. I would have wanted to put it on my head too and get all those kid's attention and proclaim him king of the home-made hat club...and explain what an great artist he is!! But alas we handle things in that quiet maner so as not to embarrass anyone, especially our own child. Leaving him satisfied that he did NOT have to wear the hat, you also left him without a hat period....so the end result of getting him another hat was the thing to do!
You have saved the work of art.....I see the story retold in his future, showing him the hat once again and I see him smiling at himself and at you for saving him that day!
Oh, my heart skipped a beat just reading this. I think you both handled this so well...your son will no doubt remember your comfort and love as well as his father's support and "rescue". Thanks for sharing this!
I am moved by your dilema. I have faced these same decisions many times raising a 16 year old daughter and 20 year old daughter. It feels as if which ever decision we make we second guess it. I think the most important lesson from this heartbreak is that you love him and are there for him NO matter how painful. I am sure his pain was eased by your understanding and support (also Dad's quick solution). The desire to choke the other children who hurt our children emotionally seems overwhelming at times. Love your blogs!!!
Hi Ginny, thank you for your sweet words- LOL- yes, sometimes it hard not to smack those little kids that can seem so mean ;-)
childhood is no walk in the park- we should all receive a badge of courage when we get through it!